


all my light

by AMidnightDreary



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AI Tony Stark, Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad Ending, Tony's Bots - Freeform, mascara alert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 01:01:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17715068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMidnightDreary/pseuds/AMidnightDreary
Summary: “This isnothome”, Loki spat, “Not anymore.”“But JARVIS is here”, the AI insisted, “and the bots, and -”“And you?”“Well, yeah, I thought -”“You are not him”, Loki shouted. He could feel his knees buckle again, but he forced himself to stay on his feet. “I don't know why he thought this would be a good idea, why he thought I would want you, and I do not care. He is gone, and you -youare nothing.”





	all my light

**Author's Note:**

> Read this at your own risks, folks. It's not happy.
> 
> Thanks so much to Rabentochter and Raven_Ehtar for looking over this and betaing and being awesome in general. <3

“ _Good evening, sir. May I say, it is good to have you home again._ ”

Hearing that voice made Loki freeze. He hadn’t expected him to still be here, waiting for him. Loki swallowed and quietly closed the door behind him, carefully avoiding looking into any of the AI’s cameras. For the very first time he told himself that JARVIS was nothing more than a computer, that he wasn’t a living, breathing being whose judgement he had to fear. Which was ridiculous; Loki knew that JARVIS could judge people for their actions just as well as the next person.

“Hello, JARVIS”, Loki said, his voice rough and quiet after several months of disuse. He cleared his throat and took off his boots, eyes still cast down. There was a pair of sneakers lying around in the entryway, taken off in a hurry and never tidied up, and by force of habit Loki took them along with his boots as he set them aside. _Force of habit_. That was also ridiculous. But it was like the movements were still ingrained in his muscles, just like the fond smile that threatened to pull up the corner of his mouth. But his lips were not used to smiling anymore, and the sneakers felt stiff and cold and dusty in his hands, and he ended up letting go of them and rubbing his hands against his thighs, palms itching as if he’d touched something noxious.

“ _I’d begun believing you wouldn’t return_ ”, JARVIS said. Loki looked for the dry humour he remembered, but the AI’s voice was just quiet, and sad. “ _You didn’t react to my messages._ ”

“I know”, Loki said, glancing at one of JARVIS’ cameras before he raised his head and actually looked at his surroundings. Familiar. Everything was still familiar; the feeling of wood beneath his feet, the color of the walls, the few potted plants and decoration objects sitting around in the entrance area as if nothing whatsoever had happened. The only thing different was the smell; the air was a bit stale. Loki was already feeling like he couldn’t breathe properly.

“ _Are you going to stay, sir?_ ”, JARVIS asked, and Loki blinked and tried to focus again, realizing that he’d been staring at nothing for several minutes.

“I think so”, he answered. “And please, don’t call me that.”

“ _I’m afraid I can’t comply that wish."_

Loki sighed. “Why not?”

“ _It contradicts one of Mr. Stark’s orders. He was very insistent that I and the bots treat you as the highest priority, which makes you -_ ”

“ _Sir,_ yes, I understand”, Loki interrupted curtly, then forced himself to take a deep breath. His hands were trembling. “But you have never called anyone else that before. It was his -”

“ _It was his wish that I take care of you. I am responsible for you now, sir, just as I was responsible for him._ ” There was a pause, then JARVIS added, “ _I intend to do a better job protecting you._ ”

Loki’s chest tightened, and more than anything he wanted to take his boots and run away again. Instead, he said, “You did nothing wrong, JARVIS.”

“ _Thank you, sir_ ”, JARVIS said, not unkindly. “ _I appreciate the sentiment._ ”

The AI fell silent, then, and for a long moment Loki found himself unable to move. He didn’t know how many minutes passed until he finally managed to walk into the living room, which looked just like he remembered. Everything here looked just like he remembered. A bit on the small side, maybe, but comfortable, and still enough space for both of them to move freely. He still knew where everything was - the kitchen, the bathroom, the workshop, the bedroom… Ages ago, he’d stood right here and thought, _Home. This is home._ He wanted to walk through the entire house, but since he knew that he wouldn’t find anything but empty rooms, he stayed where he was, in the middle of the living room, and tried to keep breathing.

He realized that everything looked clean. The plants seemed to be healthy. The bots had watered them, probably, and kept everything tidy. Except for… the sneakers, earlier. A mug on the sofa table, still half filled with coffee that didn’t even look like coffee anymore after almost ten years, and a tablet right next to it. Loki’s book was gone, as well as the cup of tea he’d been drinking. He wanted to put both back on that table, and fill the mug with fresh, hot and black coffee, and he wanted to yank open the windows so the air wouldn’t taste bilgy anymore, and he wanted to cook dinner and make him eat after days of inventing in the lab, and he wanted to -

“ _Sir, are you alright?_ ”

“Give him a moment, buddy, would you?”

Loki froze, again. He hadn’t expected him to be here, waiting for him. He knew he _couldn’t_ be here, waiting for him. But then he turned around and he _was_ there, leaning against the doorframe, hands in the pockets of washed-out jeans. Oil stains on a thin-worn shirt of a Midgardian band. Tanned skin, bare feet. Messy hair, concerned brown eyes, the hint of a smile. _Home._

Loki stared at him, his eyes wide and already starting to get wet, and his hands hadn’t stopped trembling but he didn’t care, not at all. He mouthed his name, and the smile widened, became warmer.

“Hey, Loki”, Anthony said, his tone soft. “I’m glad you’re home.”

“Anthony”, Loki whispered again. He noticed he might be crying, but he didn’t care about that, either. “ _Anthony._ ”

“Yeah”, he said, nodding. “Hi, love. I hope you don’t think I’m angry with you for letting me wait, what, ten years? ‘Cause I’m not. I mean, it was boring as hell, but you had every reason to stay away, I guess. Where have you been, anyway?”

 _Anywhere_ , Loki wanted to say, _nowhere._ He didn’t know. He didn’t care. He was back, and Anthony was back, too, and he should have come home so much earlier, but if Anthony said he wasn’t angry it was fine, everything was fine, and JARVIS had not told him. JARVIS had not told him; that thought flickered through Loki’s mind like a lightning bolt, and the thunder that followed was numbing. _JARVIS had not told him._ Loki had gotten his messages, had read them, just never responded. JARVIS had taken to call him _sir_ , a title that had been reserved for Anthony and Anthony alone. And if Anthony was still alive, Loki would still be _Mr. Liesmith_ or just _Loki_ or even _Mr. Stark_ , when the AI had been in the mood to tease after the wedding, but not _sir_ and certainly not JARVIS highest priority, and why did nothing about this make sense?

Loki couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move, either, and the look in Anthony’s eyes became even more worried even though Loki didn’t _want_ him to be worried. He said Loki’s name in that voice that was undoubtedly _his_ , in that tone he’d always used when talking to Loki, fond and warm and caring. And he was there, wasn’t he? Loki could see him. He could look at him, watch him move, watch his arm flicker as he pushed himself off the doorframe and walked a few steps toward Loki. His feet flickered as he walked, too,  and it reminded Loki of -

Loki stumbled backwards, the thought of Anthony coming near him suddenly unbearable. And Anthony seemed to understand, because he stopped walking and stayed right where he was, a few steps away from Loki, and lifted his hands as if to say that he meant no harm.

“Loki?”, he asked, hesitant, and Loki finally found his voice.

“You’re not really here”, he said, the words tasting as stale as the air.

Anthony’s face fell, for the briefest of moments before he frowned. “Of course I am. I -”

“Don’t lie to me”, Loki cut in. His voice wasn’t as loud as he’d wanted it to be, only wet and messy and desperate. He was still crying.

“Loki -”

“ _No_! What is this?” Loki took a quivering breath, and he knew he was swallowing up a few syllables of his next words, making it hard to even understand him, but he couldn’t help it. “What _are_ you? An illusion?”

“Sweetheart, please, let me explain, it’s -”

The nearest thing Loki could grab was the coffee mug, and he threw it without thinking. His aim was good, and the mug flew straight through Anthony's chest, crashing against the wall behind him and breaking into pieces. For just a second, Anthony flickered out of existence, and the room was empty except for a shattered mug and Loki, who was breathing heavily and crying and angry. But then the picture of Anthony returned, standing just there where he’d vanished into thin air a moment ago. He blinked at Loki, then glanced down at his chest and back at what had once been his favorite mug.

“Uhm. Okay, I know this looks bad, but -”

“Do not”, Loki interrupted, his voice breaking, “lie to me. Do you - Did you think I wouldn’t - I wouldn’t _notice_ ? I saw you die. I saw you _die._ ”

A strangled sob broke free, and Loki turned away from Anthony’s wide, brown eyes that looked so much like his but were not his, not really. Loki’s knees buckled and he knew he wouldn’t manage to stay standing much longer, so he tumbled to the sofa. He didn’t make it that far, though, and just ended up falling down to his knees in front of it, supporting himself on it as he turned around to sit on the floor. He didn’t want to sit on that sofa, anyway. He didn’t want to be here at all. He should never have come back.

The illusion made no sound when it approached him. It should have. The house was old, and the wooden floorboards creaked a little. But the illusion’s feet were not real and it didn’t actually touch the ground it seemed to be walking on.

Loki didn’t want to look at it. He didn’t want it to talk to him. But the pain was tearing him apart, and he still couldn’t breathe and maybe didn’t even want to breathe, and when the illusion crouched in front of him, he somehow didn’t manage to tell it that it wasn’t wanted.

“I’m not an illusion”, the illusion said, its tone still fond and warm and caring, and Loki hated it. “I’m an AI. Like JARVIS, just… a bit better.” Loki didn’t reply, and after moment it just continued speaking. “I started off as an AI he made for Peter’s suit. He wanted me to replace Karen in case something happened to him. Which I did, by the way. Peter’s doing fine. He’s worried about you, though. Everyone is.”

Loki had closed his eyes. He tried not to listen to what the illusion, the _AI_ was saying. It didn’t matter. But the voice, _oh_ , the voice - that did matter. It was Anthony’s voice, and if Loki hadn’t known that this wasn’t, couldn’t be Anthony, he wouldn’t have been able to tell the voices apart. It was perfect, and it hurt so much that Loki wanted to never hear it again.

“But anyway - this version of me, this was for you. He made me the best hologram he could manage. But he never gave me any specific orders, so when he died and you weren't -”

“I don't care”, Loki snapped, and only when the AI stopped speaking Loki dared to look at it again. Its eyes were wide and worried and _sad_ , and it looked so much like Anthony that Loki couldn't stand looking at it. “I don't care”, he repeated, his voice shaking and weak, no matter how hard he tried to make it sound firm. “I don't care. I want you to leave, and never come back.”

The hologram sighed, lifting its hand to rub the back of his neck; a sight so familiar that it made Loki feel sick. “I can't just _leave_ , Loki. He made me a part of this house, like JARVIS is.”

Loki stared at it for a moment longer, then he wiped his eyes and moved to stand up. His legs barely held him, but somehow he managed to remain standing. He was already halfway out of the living room when Anthony's voice held him back.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere”, Loki replied, already starting to feel just as numb as he'd had the last ten years. “Nowhere. None of your business.”

“But you just came home”, the AI said, sounding disappointed and concerned and afraid and sad, and it made Loki snap.

“This is _not_ home”, he spat, and the hologram actually flinched. It made Loki scoff, even though there was a faint pang in his chest at seeing Anthony recoil from him. The last time that had happened had been centuries ago, back at the very beginning. His sneer faded quickly, and bitterness dripped off the words when he added, “Not anymore.”

“But JARVIS is here”, the AI insisted, “and the bots, and -”

“And you?”

“Well, yeah, I thought -”

“You are not him”, Loki shouted. He could feel his knees buckle again, but he forced himself to stay on his feet. “I don't know why he thought this would be a good idea, why he thought I would want you, and I _do not care._ He is gone, and you - _you_ are nothing.”

The AI didn't say anything else, and after a moment Loki turned around again. He got to the front door despite his weak legs, but then he saw the sneakers again -

_Waitwaitwait, I have to take my shoes off!_

_Didn't you just put them on?_

_Yeah, but these are my favorites, I can't fight in them._

_You wouldn't fight in them anyway, love. Your nano -_

_I don't want to wear them beneath the bots and anyway, let's go and fight that wanna-be villain. I bet the others are getting their asses beaten without us._

\- and Loki couldn't hold himself upright anymore. He reached out for the wall to support himself and ended up sagging against it. Pinching his eyes shut, he pressed his hand against his mouth as if that could keep the sobs inside.

He hadn't cried like this in a long time. There had been a lot of tears shortly _after_ , of course, but then Loki had left everything behind to travel the realms. He'd stayed in one empty, lonely place after another, never for long but always as far away from other people as possible, and he hadn't cried that much. He had felt not that much at all, the last years. There hadn't been anything left to feel; Anthony had taken everything with him.

“You don't have to treat me like I'm him”, Anthony's voice said suddenly, and Loki was startled into looking at the AI. It was sitting right next to him, pretending to lean against the wall with its legs spread out in front of it. “I just thought it was worth a try, earlier.”

Loki closed his eyes again. He was still shaking, still crying, but he pressed his lips together to at least cry silently.

“Pete doesn't like it when I pretend, either”, the AI said. It sounded careful, but not as if it intended to stop talking anytime soon. “He even calls me Tony, not Mr Stark. And it's not like I… _want_ to be him, or anything. I just don't know what exactly he wanted me to be. He never told me or JARVIS. He just… made me. Spent years working on me, then kept me a secret. Nobody knew about it.” It huffed a laugh. “I mean, JARVIS knew, but he always knows everything.” There was a long pause before it continued. “I think it just made him feel better, knowing I existed.”

Loki had opened his eyes again by now. He wasn't sobbing anymore, but his face was still in his hands, and he knew there were still a few tears running down his cheeks. He didn't bother wiping them away. _Feel better about what?_ , he wondered, but he couldn't bring himself to ask.

“Why are you here now?”, he asked instead, staring past his fingers at the opposite wall. “Why can't you just go away again?”

“I could”, the AI said, “and if you really want me to, I will. I just - I mean, I'd prefer to stay.”

“Why?”

“I told you”, it said quietly. “Everyone worries about you. No one knew where you were the last ten years, not even Thor.”

Loki rubbed his eyes. “JARVIS”, he said. “Don't tell anyone that I am here. And if you already did, tell them to stay away.”

“ _As you wish, sir_ ”, JARVIS replied instantly. “ _I haven't told anyone yet._ ”

“Cool”, the AI with Anthony's voice and face said, a little bit too lightly. “So you're staying, right? We have the house for ourselves for a while, then. Hey, would you like tea? I can make tea. I think. You'd have to get a cup and everything, but I can boil the water. If JARVIS lets me, he doesn't always -”

“Shut up.”

It did shut up, and Loki took a deep, quivering breath. He didn't let his hands sink again. Moment after moment passed, until the AI spoke up again.

“I'm sorry. I've never talked to anyone except Peter so far. I'm a bit nervous.”

“I don't want tea”, Loki replied. “I don't want you to be here at all.”

“Right. So you… you don't want to talk or anything?”

“Not to you.”

It didn't say anything for a long time, and Loki closed his eyes again. As long as it didn't talk, Loki could pretend that it wasn't even there. He could feel no warmth of a body next to him, could hear no breaths, there was not a single sign that there was a person sitting next to him. And that was good, ignoring its presence was good, because knowing it was there, looking and sounding like Anthony, made Loki feel unbelievably sick.

It wasn't Anthony's fault. Anthony had never wanted this to actually happen, probably. And this was so _like_ him - creating an artificial replica of himself, just as the solution for a problem he hoped he would never have to solve. Loki could see him right now, sitting in the workshop and teaching this hologram to sound and move and act like Tony Stark, as if that could be any comfort when the real Tony Stark was gone. It wasn't Anthony's fault that it hurt so much.

“It's been ten years”, the AI suddenly said, sounding stunned. “I wouldn't… I wouldn't have shown myself if I had known that you were still… hurting this much.”

Loki didn't tell it that ten years were pretty much nothing for him. He didn't tell it that he would still be hurting this much in three thousand years, if he managed to survive that long.

“This should never have happened”, he told it instead. “He should - He should never have died. And you should not be here instead of him.”

“I know it's not fair”, the AI said carefully, “and I'm not here to replace him, just -”

“He should be here”, Loki simply spoke over it, his voice not much more than a whisper. “He should - I wanted him to… I gave him the apple so something like that would not _happen._ ”

“The apple couldn't protect him from everything”, the hologram said just as quietly. “You both knew that.”

“I should have-”, Loki began, but he'd started crying again and couldn't speak properly without making it worse. He pressed his hands against his eyes, forcing himself to breathe. “I wasn't there”, he got out eventually, and it echoed in his head; _I wasn't there, not fast enough, I wasn't there, I should have -_

“It wasn't your fault, Loki”, Anthony's voice told him gently. “You were busy saving civilians. He would've wanted that.”

“Go away”, was all Loki could say, and the AI sighed. When Loki dared to glance sideways the next time, the hologram was gone.

Loki stayed in the hallway for a long time, legs drawn up against his chest and face hidden in his arms. He didn't know why he'd returned. He had known that it would hurt too much. And it did, it did hurt too much, but he found himself unable to leave, now that he was here.

He made himself stand up again after what could have been hours or just a few minutes, and walked to the kitchen on still shaky legs. The roomba Anthony had built for them more than three decades ago came to greet him while he blew his nose, and he ended up sitting on the kitchen floor for a while to pet it. It eventually rolled away again, probably to do its work, and Loki stood up to make himself tea. The cup he took out of the cabinet was a bit dusty, though, and he didn't have the energy to clean it, so he left it on the counter and returned to the living room. _Home_ , he thought as he took in the room a second time, eyes staying on the shattered mug a bit too long. He wondered if the bots would clean that up.

The bots. Loki sighed as he actually remembered that they were still here, probably waiting for him. He stood in the living room for a long while before he gathered his courage and made his way downstairs, to Anthony's workshop.

The sight of it hurt even more than anything else. But Anthony's favorite bots were all there, they all came to greet him, and Loki found himself sitting on the floor once more, crying again, with Dum-E poking his shoulder now and then while U made concerned whirring noises. Butterfingers wanted to play fetch, and Loki had to forcefully keep himself from destroying the whole room, the whole house, every time he threw that wrench the robot had brought him.

Dismantling their home would be easy; it would fall apart like a house of cards if Loki wanted it to.

Actually,  it already had.

**Author's Note:**

> ~~There might be a happier sequel planned.~~


End file.
